Bossy Kick Your Ass Pizza


If you’re looking for gooey pizza globbing with mozzarella, stop reading this and call Papa Gino’s Pizzeria. No judgments. Now if you want something increabldly mouthwateringly delicious read on and follow my directions precisely. Don’t divert, don’t add your own stuff, do exactly what I say.

Now listen closely, this pizza has a sharpness and zest that will linger on in your mouth for at least an hour or two, breath mints are not an option unless you’re a frigging coward.

First things first, roast around 20 garlic cloves in olive oil.

Okay so now grab some pizza dough and put it on a pan that is coated with virgin olive oil. Let it get room temp and loose. Stretch the dough out, work it, bring it to the corners, and let it rest about a half hour. -Go back to it, if it crawled away from the corners, stretch it out again, be gentle, but forceful, and tell it to behave. Dough is a living thing, it needs to be tamed.

Okay now get some tomato paste and with your fingers paint the dough until it’s covered in red. It should look beautiful, like a work of art that could be hanging in the Met. Now, open a can of anchovies and break them apart, put them all around, then get your roasted garlic, and spread those about. Next get your black cured oils and squeeze the pits out, the underneath of your fingernails will get black, this is good, and only means you’re earthy and soulful. Scattered those black beauties about. Now sprinkle on some hot pepper flakes, a small amount of dried basil, and then some Romano cheese. Don’t overdo the cheese, make it look like a slight dusting, like fairy dust or something. Now drizzle more olive oil on top.

Your oven should be at 500, not 350, not 456… I said 500. Place your masterpiece in the oven for about 5 to 8 minutes, watch it. Don’t burn it, you’ll never forgive yourself. When it’s done take it out, let it rest, smell it, smile, rejoice. Get a spatula, put it on your cutting board, cut it up. Eat it while sipping Chianti, or cold beer, or be like me, eat it with cranberry juice. -Quite frankly I don’t care what you drink with it, I’ll grant you that option.

You will love this pizza, you will praise me to the pizza Gods, and you will send me tickets to Naples. You will nominated me for some prize. That’s it.


About johncpicardi

Welcome to my blog. I am the author of the novel Oliver Pepper's Pickle and the published plays The Sweepers and Seven Rabbits on a Pole, both plays have been produced off Broadway and around the US. I am a graduate of Johnson & Wales University where I majored in Culinary arts. I have a BA from The University of Massachusetts and an MFA from Carnegie Mellon University. This blog is about food and food memories and every other fantastic and scrumptious thing to do with it. My appetite and passion for food is large and runs deep, sometimes its indulgent and wild and other times wholesome and simple, often humorous and always immeasurable. I grew up outside of Boston and spent many hours of my childhood in front of the TV watching Graham Kerr (The Galloping Gourmet) and Julia Child prepare all kinds of luscious meals that would make my mouth water. Other days I’d follow my mother and two grandmothers around their simple, tidy kitchens as they busily prepared hearty fragrant meals, hand-cut pastas, preserved fruits and vegetables, baked yeasty breads, spicy cookies and frosted lopsided cakes. I was there by their side asking questions and helping where needed and there were plenty of times I was ordered to leave if I was in their way. It was a given that by the time I graduated High School I would be going off to Johnson & Wales University to study Culinary Arts. Those years were fine and good. I loved the hands on creativeness of cooking whether it be the simple lesson of washing a sink full of colorful salad greens, trussing a chicken or peeling a gorgeous carrot or the complicated lessons of making a French Country Pate or Julia Child’s Cassoulet or making Brioche, it all thrilled me and my dream had arrived!
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