I went to MacDonald’s tonight and bought a MacDonald’s extreme-green Shamrock Shake. I ordered a medium size one which was large enough to feed a family of about Mac-Twelve. It was a large cup of bright suspicious green matter topped with foamy whipped cream that looked more to me like a whipped oil from some strange exotic plant from the Amazon and the bright, glowing red cherry on top worried me. I started to laugh when the cashier at the drive thru gave it to me. What have I done, I thought, it looked like some weird Martian drink from one of those 1960’s matinee movies. I could not control my laughter as I examined the green shake in my hands.
The cashier asked me with a snarky smile, “What’s so funny? Are you laughing at us?” She tiled her head and smirked at me.
“It looks pretty fancy, that’s all.” I said. I was stunned, was she paranoid? Was I being rude?
“Well, Sir, we don’t mess around at MacDonald’s.” She said this with a defensive, defiant, pissed-off tone that I found most unpleasant. Clearly she drank the Macdonald Kool-Aid. She was creepily loyal to her Macdonald Corporate leaders, part of some weird fast food Ronald MacDonald cult thing.
She glared at me for a moment. I glared back. I have a food blog damn it! Who did this High School, mini-golden arch earring wearing girl think she was speaking to! Now I was mad, I was a customer and if I wanted to laugh at my extreme-green shamrock shake I will!
“Oh really, girlfriend, you don’t know what messing around with fast food is until you have bought a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and pulled the chicken off the bones, placed all that meat and crispy skin in a gravy coated casserole dish, layered it with corn, then mash potatoes and baked it in the oven until the mash potatoes formed a crust and told your dinner guest you made everything from scratch. You want to talk messing with fast food? Really? You want to go there? I once bought a large fries from Burger King and at home put cheese sauce on them and covered them with bacons bits, sour cream, roasted garlic and salsa and put it in the microwave. Okay?”
There was silence and she shifted her eyes like I was the crazy one.
“Whatever. Have a nice day.” She said.
“Whatever.” I said. I drove off and told myself to calm down and so I started gearing up for an some obscure old movie I’d find On-demand, my new late Saturday night ritual when of course I am not living the high life and hobnobbing with the rich and famous that some of my friends actually think I do since I’ve had a book published that no one is buying. Anyway, after my first sip of my minty extreme-green Mac-Shamrock Shake while going 60 miles per hour on the highway, I was tempted to toss it out my window and make an extreme green mess on the highway because it was too Mac-Sweet. But on the second sip my mind started Mac-rolling and I made a Mac-decision, I was going to “mess” with this sickly sweet green Mac-Shamrock Shake! I had an idea!
I pressed on the gas and hurried home before my shake turned into a cup of chemicals that would dissolved my plastic cup.
At home I put my Mac-Shamrock shake in my blender. I added a teaspoon of instant coffee and a shot of whiskey and I Mac-Blended the hell out of it and it doubled in volume which I must admit kind of scared me at first. I honestly thought for a moment it was going to blow up, you never know what they put in fast foods these days and messing with them might change some kind of chemical compound and BOOM! You’ve blown up your home. But all was safe and I christened my new and improved shake, Mac-Drunken-Shamrock-Fabulous-Green-Extreme-Shake. It was NOW a frozen, fluffy, tasty, Irish Coffee Drink. It was perfection.
I am now Mac-Drunk, seeing leprechauns because of the sugar comma I am briskly going into and my tongue is Mac-green. I am now going to watch How Green Was My Valley with Walter Pidgeon and Maureen O’Hara.
We don’t mess around, right. I’ll show her how to mess around with fast food.